Why is it that we don’t learn how complicated friendship is until we’re full and grown with one damn friend? I know, I know. With age comes lessons, but this was supposed to be easy. Like in Kindergarten; at the jungle gym, before you get a concussion because your head hit the bars a few times too many, “Let’s be friends”, says one kid. You agree. You both wrap your arms around each other’s necks and skip away into the sunset. You end up being friends forever until someone moves away or one becomes a part of the popular crowd and forgets who their real friend is *eye roll*. It happens. Sometimes, people just click, but more often they don’t. Can you relate? What are the commonalities? Work? Coincidentally having the same ex? *snorts* Adulting? The struggle? How often are we surrounded by like-minded people?
Now. I get it.
I shouldn’t be talking much because I’m coming from the negative side of the spectrum. The blasphemous side. The side where the pathological liars and scammers reside. The undercover haters. The unavailable. The “I’m your friend now, but I won’t be later.” The “who are you, again?” (Backtracking through bitterness. Sorry.) Anyway, as I draft the first installment of the “She’s Not Your Friend” series, I figured I’d fill you in on the current state of friendship in this so-called life of mine.
Back in July, in the midst of woe is me, I joined a Facebook group specifically for Black women wanting to make friends. Initially, my inner self was like, “Girl, you desperate,” but I was also excited. I was so sure that this was it! I’m making me some friends, y’all! Once accepted, I browsed around, filled out the friendship application, got all of one like (salty) and went on a spree to find women from New York like me. I was adding people out the ying yang and commenting on all of the “Where my New York ladies at?!” posts. It was a blast! Fast forward, I’m part of a sub group, made an admin, immersed in multiple group chats, and on my way to meet a few ladies. I met some cool ones, probably one or two that I actually cared to talk to, but then I was bombarded with red flags. Pure headassery (my favorite word this year). The MAIN reasons why I stepped back from making friends in the first place.
No one’s auditioning to be your Pip, Gladys.
No one has time to chase you.
No one wants to be on the receiving end of silence, or quite frankly, pure disregard.
And, here’s the kicker!
*typed in Invisible ink* In this here group of black women, some individuals were/are/have been (whatever) hypercritical of black women *cough* and black men *cough*.
Um.
Now, why on this almost not green earth would you join a group of the very people you seem to have issues with? Internal issues, perhaps? No one’s ready for that conversation. I would share what I’ve heard, but that’s another post for another time. *Chrissy Teigen smile*
Then, there’s the loud mouth, just know they’re right. *aggressive sigh*
What continues to surprise me about myself is that even after my less than favorable experiences with friends, I still give people a chance; the benefit of the doubt; an extension of grace. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? I hear everyone out even when they’re wrong and strong. I’m a great listener. It’s a gift and a curse. I’ve learned my toughest lessons from this. As a matter of fact, I cursed myself out this morning because it seems like I’ll never learn.
“Stop running after people, Latrice! Everyone is not your friend! You cannot keep doing this!Is this the ninth grade?!”
Now, after three months or so, the sub group has began to dwindle. Things are being cancelled left and right. The momentum is dying. It has become a trivial pursuit. A business proposition. The focus shifted to how many people we could get to attend events; how we could strategically expand; how to be better admins of a Facebook group versus being better friends. The group lost its intention. Its authenticity. Its “sacredness”. The true meaning of friendship. Don’t get me wrong; it’s cute to have people show up to your shit, but wouldn’t it be cuter to really get something out of it? If you’re just here for a good time not a long time, that’s cool too but how about you say that from the beginning? It’s easy. Like this: “I’m here for a good time, not a long time, you know. I…” *Drake voice*
Another lesson: Everyone’s up front until they’re not. *side eye*
I’m not interested in talking to anyone else, at this point. I’m spent. My best friend made a good point. “People just want to be in group chats. They’re in it for shits and giggles.” The drama of clashing personalities. A bunch of people talking and ain’t saying nothing; lost in the mess of twenty conversations. Ha.
The essence of social media.
Making friends is a scam.
Or, as people love to say, “You just haven’t met the right ones.”
*cue obnoxiously loud boat horn*
I guess.
Til the kid on the jungle gym flies,
Ella.
The Daily Ella 