Untitled

I’m struggling to find what my heart is into.

Emphasis on struggle.

Swift changes in career can do that to you. I’ve been sitting on an unfinished manuscript, a blog that was meant to flourish, several drafted beginnings to short stories, and books that have yet to be read, let alone looked at. What is this part of life called?

What words can I give to this lack of clarity after all this work? After all the stress?

Why am I so unsure of myself, all of a sudden?

I mean, I’ve always been a bit pessimistic but there was a budding light inside me that kept me going. *brakes screeching in my head* It was not intrinsic.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing how much of the external, whether indirectly or directly has affected my view of myself, others, and the world… but more so myself. I’ve never been extremely confident in my abilities to get shit done because I can. It’s always been I get shit done because I don’t want nobody telling me anything. I don’t want people to think that I’m less than. I don’t want people to see me NOT have it altogether. I also don’t want to do the things that people expect me to do.

I’ve never given myself the space to do what was best for me. I’ve never really approached life as 100% me. Quite frankly, not even in my writing. I’m busy comparing myself to others. I’m busy reshaping myself to fit molds of different multitudes. I’m busy guarding myself from opportunities because I can’t see past the fact that I may not fit.

I’ve never been taught to be authentic.

I’ve been taught to act accordingly.

And this my friends is why I have no idea who I am.

Why life feels so unfulfilling.

Why I find myself in repeated circumstances and cannot find [struggle] my way out.

Why I commit to things that my heart/mind is NOT set on.

Why I hate when people question my intentions whilst I am questioning myself.

Why I don’t stick to my guns regardless of what life tries to do.

It’s going to be a task, but I have to make a lot of swift changes that’s going to be uncomfortable, unnerving, and outright scary.

I cannot live my life like this anymore.

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

What the f*ck am I doing?

I have to live a life that is best for me.

Starting with,

Hi. My name is Latrice.