So.
My manager has concluded that I am hard on myself and don’t believe that I can do “it.” She finds that I don’t feel that letting things go and moving forward is within the locus of my control.
Well. That’s true.
Except,
It has nothing to do with my current career.
Will I admit that?
No.
Will the feeling go away?
No.
So, here we are.
This has been the “blockage” for the past two years.
I hurriedly scampered away from my last job to prove that I can do something different. That I had it in me to challenge myself and put forth my best. I considered that this move would set the foundation for my goal: working with teens in literacy development and creative writing.
Well.
Was given an elementary school position.
Strike one.
At a ‘pompous’ charter school. [my opinion of them is on the fence, for some reason]
Strike two.
With no autonomy and choice, creativity and acceptance of my teaching style and personality, and extremely low retention and morale.
Strike three.
*queue the drop of a baseball bat*
Now. Sure you’re saying, “Of course it is” or “Being a teacher is awesome” or “What do you mean no autonomy?”
I cannot be myself.
More importantly, I knew wholeheartedly that it was not something that I wanted to do, in the first place.
But, you know Ella.
Have to prove a point.
Have to do the absolute most.
And don’t get me started on “Have to finish something that I started.”
It’s also lacking confidence in taking risks.
Because who the hell is going back to living paycheck to paycheck?
This is the most financial freedom I’ve ever experienced, aka, I have some wiggle room now.
Look how I sound.
Some commitment to kids…
This is my point exactly.
Like I explained to my best friend and boyfriend this past week, it could just be the school or it could be that I’m scared of what’s next.
Or,
I truly don’t know what I want to do. *sent in invisible ink*
Here’s some of the things I said I want to do:
Work at or open an Indie bookstore and cafe.
Develop a creative writing program for teens.
Write my f*cking novel that’s been sitting there for three years!
I finished my SECOND master’s. [It’s in Childhood & Special Education, if you wanted to know]
Thanks for the applause.
But, there’s such a meek connection to it. I’m not as proud as I was for my Masters in English and Creative Writing. I feel like, “finally this sh*t is over.” That’s it. This may change, but this a little wild for the woman who must finish what she starts because her accomplishments fulfill her, or do they?
What will it feel like once I’ve obtained the job of my dreams? Is there a way to make this job that? It is interesting because everyone is constantly asking me, why are you staying ‘there’?
Because, I have that little person on my shoulder reminding me that, one, there is worse out there. Two, my need for stability outweighs my need for fulfillment (shaking my head aggressively). Three, the field that I want to enter is damn near impossible to even approach. Four, all of the work that I’ve done will be in vain AND means something, deeply.
Lastly,
I’m scared.
I do not have a solid plan.
So, here I am living vicariously through my peers who are living their best lives or what they present as their best, I should say.
I am watching them take risks. I am watching them choose themselves. I am watching them actively strive.
One would respond to that with, “Don’t compare your life to that of others.”
I see it as motivation to start taking small steps towards finding… me.
Til the hardcover novel flies,
Ella.
The Daily Ella 