While Alexandra Elle speaks gently to me (*cough* as I listen to her audiobook *cough*), I find myself here again. Where’s here, you ask? In friendship purgatory. The room I can’t seem to leave. As a matter of fact, the purchase of this book was my first step to working my way up outta here.
Ok.
So, I’ve been on here for years, yapping, lamenting, complaining about my friendships, or lack thereof. Ruminating on ones that have ended in the sh*ttest of ways, but all of which shaped a b*tch. I think about adding to my “She’s Not Your Friend” series, and probably will *wink*, but I almost want to hang it up. Move the hell on. Be a better friend to myself, damnit.
I’m on Chapter Six: Sacred Support. I’ll go back to the previous chapters to actually do the reflections, but so far, I have learned that most of those failed friendships were a reflection of myself. I am the queen of not speaking up. Not having clear boundaries. Not naming what I want or need. Not being fully authentic and honest. Listen. We tend to seek out a safe space in people before fostering it for ourselves. We have high expectations of others but scrap the ground with those of ourselves. It’s weird. (And when I say ‘we’, I’m talking about myself, but if you can relate, that’s cool too. *upside down smiley face*) I would argue, however, that showing up as myself fully in friendship has not yielded the best experiences. I’m afraid to, anyway. Not reading the room when ‘friends’ aren’t really friends. Oversharing and regretting it later. Always being the one to reach out and waiting for plans to manifest. Forcing ‘check-ins’ that go no deeper than small talk. OVER IT. And, it be the ones who claim that no amount of time or distance will impair our “friendship”. Right. *side eye*
I try to extend grace when it is reasonable, but, I can’t help but think about the “If they wanted to, they would” debacle. Yes. Life gets trash, busy, wild, interesting, a hot ass mess. BUT, why do your ‘friends’ have to fall to the way side? I also found myself down a rabbit hole of ‘friendship’ bits on TikTok (the devil) with so many debates about surface-level friendships, one-sided friendships, friendship breakups, extending grace, not extending grace, and let’s be real, this seems to be a epidemic for women, but also, I’m NOT trippin’. People are wack. An interesting one, that I almost didn’t give a chance to because I felt like she was talking to me *boop*, was about overly protecting ourselves from friends, or the fear that all friends will turn out the same, because of past let-downs. I can’t help it. Especially as a 34-year-old teenager (see what I did there?), I keep running into the SAME sh*t. That can’t be a f*cking co-inky-dink!
So, it’s either I do the work on myself and/or let people the f*ck go.
Let’s not even talk about silent ghosting, which is a double negative, but whatever.
I’ve had to do it. I’m guilty. But, what’s the point of the conversation? One, you don’t want your issues to be minimized and manipulated into mere misunderstanding. Two, people find all of the excuses in the world to justify their wack behaviors. And three, the most irritating of them all, they don’t respond! They’re too good for the conversation. They’ve moved on. They have an imaginary problem. It becomes about you.
I honestly don’t bother because I wasn’t enough for them to care in the first place. No hi. No walk in the park. No happy birthday. No you passed my mind. No thank you to a happy birthday. No how’s work. No nothing. So, what the f*ck?
I’m also tired of being force fed bullsh*t about reconnecting. When? Where? and How much? Or, the spiel of sorry’s and forgive me’s only to watch people rest you down (*cough* drop your ass *cough*) and give their best to others. Well, G*d damn. F*ck me.
[Sidenote: I am actively dealing with the above in real time. And still grappling with the “what did I do?”s, instead of “Good riddance”. And no, I’m NOT reaching out because what do I look like, a g*ddamn poppy show? *Crucian accent on 100*]
I have little trust in people nowadays… Unfortunately. Often, people aren’t who they present themselves to be. So much so, I’m not acknowledging new friendships for what they are. I feel like I’ve crafted this ideal about friendship in my mind. What the perfect friend would be like. I’m missing out on building stronger connections like a damn foo. I’ve got to do better. What I’m doing is minimizing them to, “oh, I’m just a friend of their friend”, which is true, but one of them recently said, “Girl, I’m your friend now!” Gagged. But, I actually appreciate her for that because, sh*t, she speaks to me more than people I’ve etched in my brain to be close friends.
In the hopes of moving forward, fairly quickly, I’ve already done the binge deleting of numbers out of my phone and social media follows, because let’s be real, who’s reaching out? Not me. I’ve made up my mind that their season in my life has ended a longer time than what I am accepting. Lastly, I deserve reciprocity in my friendships. Don’t piss me off. Maybe I am too available. Maybe I am too forgiving. Maybe I am too involved in my friends’ lives. But, isn’t that what this sh*t is about? Actually experiencing life with people? Not saying that I’ve showed up my absolute best 100% of the time, but isn’t that also the point? Being given that space and understanding? Make it clear that sh*t is safe. Make it clear that as much as life is a hot bag of trash, we ridin’, damnit.
I no longer have space for poor company.
Radical clarity, eh?
Til the unmet expectation flies,
Ella.
The Daily Ella 