Not Applicable

To be honest,

External validation has been the guiding force behind my decision making, and quite frankly, I’m tired of it.

I allow people to hype me up or tear me down, giving no thought to what I truly want and need. It’s a miserable reality. Can’t say what I want. Express how I truly feel. Think what I want. Work through situations at my own rate; at my own time.

Just appease those around me.

It’ll make my life easier.

Move in complete solitude because it’s easier than the power struggle with those who “want the best”.

But,

Then I think about the people “behind me”.

What does this say about them?

What about them makes me want to hide?

Do they sense it?

There’s so much of myself that I conceal because baring my soul is not an option. Too many times, my vulnerability has been used against me or completely ignored.

So,

Move the way people assume of you, Ella. That’s simple.

Easy.

For who though?

Sometimes, I feel like I’m gaslighting myself. No one cares that much. Or they do. No one understands my position. Or maybe they do or at least want to but I won’t let them that close.

But,

Truly.

Why do I need to explain anything to anyone? Who has to live this life? Who has to live with the decisions made? Who has to admit that mistakes have occurred? Who has to hold me up?

Me.

Not them.

And guess what?

That’s ok.

A ‘words of affirmation’ girlie realizes that as aligned as ‘affirmation’ is to ‘validation’, it isn’t the same thing.

validation

/ˌvaləˈdāSHən/

…the act of proving, making official, or confirming that something is true, correct, or legally valid.

affirmation

/ˌafərˈmāSHən/

…a firm statement or declaration that something is true.

But also,

“emotional support, encouragement, or a positive phrase… to build confidence and clear out negative thoughts.”

All that external validation has done is prove that I need to listen to myself more. That my experience can’t be compared to someone else’s because we are just not the same. We don’t think the same. We don’t feel the same. We don’t grief the same. We don’t fight the same. And, again, that’s ok.

It isn’t true that one decision best fits all. It isn’t true that it’ll get easier and I’ll feel better and that there’s more to see. Maybe, just maybe, I need to see what the hell is going on in front of me. Maybe, it isn’t beyond myself and is what I need from…

Me.

I don’t need nor do I want the constant, forceful push forward.

Let me be still.

For once.

Let me be beside myself.

Let me preserve a little bit of what’s left of me.

Please.

“Let me” is crazy.

I will be.

Til the hashtag flies,

Ella.