And it’s my fault.
So, where do we go from here? Straight to hell?
This isn’t new. I knew this long before he was even my boyfriend. I was naive about the role I played in it too. Honestly, I convinced myself that I had no control in this, but I do. At least control of what I share. What I don’t share. Setting a boundary or two. Or, simply shaping the narrative.
You don’t get to hate him. You don’t know him.
You know what I tell you.
There was one friend that I had about a decade ago. What I miss most about her is how impartial she was. There was a bit of bias her being my friend, but if she was anything, she was always neutral. Asking what I did. What I said. Holding me accountable when I was not right. She didn’t hold back, which is what you expect from your friends, right?
But,
Where is the line when it comes to ‘not holding back’? Where is the line when it is not that much of your business?
I guess that is what I got when my best friend set her boundary of not wanting to hear about him anymore.
Let’s backtrack.
I am the friend who vents and thinks about it later. I am the one who wants to take it all back because I’ve realized that I overshared knowing damn well that I’ll change my mind later. I am the one who despises when people speak poorly about him having NOT known him from a can of paint.
You know what I tell you.
Friends afford me the space and care to share when I’m not feeling the best about him. When he’s done something that, in the moment, is unrelentingly cruel, but again, I am the indecisive, “I’m over it by tomorrow” friend.
I get it.
My perspective is skewed, being the one that’s with him, but is it that bad that he needs to be hated? You must be thinking, well damn. What did you share? Big arguments? Foundational first-year issues that bled into year 5, 6, 7.
I understand when people say, “just because he/she/they aren’t hitting you, cheating on you, or lying to you, it doesn’t mean that they are treating you the way you should be treated”, but, do we ever consider that there are growing pains in relationships?
People change.
Circumstances change.
Sometimes, shit just makes you mad?
Anyway, I’m rambling.
You don’t get to hate him.
Quite frankly,
It isn’t fair to him. All I want to do is protect him. If anything, I knew that it was my responsibility to do so, having shared so much of my relationship’s vulnerabilities. And you know what gets to me? No one ever asks, are you sure you want to speak about this now? Are you sure you want to share this? Would he be comfortable with you sharing this?
There should be parameters on how you vent to your friends, but in some ways, there shouldn’t. Maybe I didn’t need to speak to them about it. I should have been speaking to him. He’s the one that has to fix it. He’s the one that I want to understand how I feel and consider where we went wrong. I sought out understanding from others because I couldn’t get it from him. And when did I want it? After he was mad. After he disassociated from the conversation. After a small issue became larger than life. Let’s call a thing a thing. I can be irrational. Impulsive. And the least bit of understanding. Not saying that he was his absolute best in every situation, but again, what do you truly know beyond what I tell you?
Hell.
His peoples might hate my ass too. Ha.
Now,
We’re in this beautiful place. The way we found our way back to what made us “us”, communicating thoroughly, damn near courting again… I can’t even share it because everyone’s mind is made up about what they want for me. Not only that, but he shares with me that not ONE person on his side of the fence even know about our ins and outs because he keeps what we had sacred.
Well, damnit.
A private man indeed.
But also smart.
I can’t share the growth. The little pick-me-ups. The epiphanies. The corny love-laced stories that hopeless romantics would find cute.
Why?
Because I talk too much.
No.
I didn’t keep my relationship sacred.
It’s a vow now. Yes. I said vow. So.
I can’t pretend like this doesn’t bother me because it does. But, there is something satisfying about no one having input. About fully experiencing the rebuilding of my relationship without the impending storm of a friend who hates him hating the idea. A part of me feels like they already know what it is but are “choosing their peace”, I guess.
My best friend hates my boyfriend.
Now what?
If he’s the worst for me, I’m the worst for his ass too.
*slow blink*
Til the personalized vow flies,
Ella.
